Sun and Solitude: on missing

This week I saw a friend I haven't seen in a while. This special someone is on the gassy side, but that's why I love them. They're also really hot. Hot and gassy, always a winning combination of traits. Yes y'all. I'm talking about the sun.

I awoke Monday (now it's last last Monday...) to a Parisian bed chamber aglow with precious UV rays. I was disoriented, as the four straight weeks of grayness had given me cave-fish-esque light sensitivity, but I just rolled out of my blanket cocoon, took off all my clothes and stood in it naked to try and maximize the vitamin D, and as a favor to the elderly couple who live across the street from me. I watch them all the time so I assume they're doing the same, right?

Monday was also a special day because I started helping out an English teacher at a fancy French school. I decided that I love this, for many reasons, and here they are:
They're impressed that I'm a "native English speaker"
I get free lunch, and cafeteria lunches in France are sooooo good. For example, this was my free lunch: fish with a tarragon cream sauce, green beans, mashed potatoes, salad with tomatoes and bacon, this other radishy, fresh salad, the ever-present bread, coconut yogurt, a grapefruit and a latté. And I even skipped the cheese plate and dessert. FOR FREE, FOR SPEAKING MY NATIVE LANGUAGE TO A BUNCH OF SWEATER WEARING POLITE ELEVEN YEAR OLDS FOR AN HOUR!
They're also reimbursing me for my métro pass. This gig is oh so sweet.
The only downside was the unanimous groan their little French mouths issued when I said my favorite singer was Beyoncé.

This week (read last last week) however, was also the first hard-hitting bout of homesickness. It's kind of an unexpected thing, that is easily conjured up in many situations. Like, on that sunny Monday, right after I had finished my morning bask, I started crying while I was drinking my coffee. The light coming in their little parisian kitchen, glowing off the wood floors, reminded me of my dad's house in the morning, except this time the sun was highlighting a million baguette crumbs instead of dog hairs. And instead of sitting next to my father with his book (probably a biography of some inventor or a book of espresso machine design) I was sitting alone, trying to be inconspicuous as I occupied the extremely private realm of people I didn't really know, but had spent the last four weeks awkwardly and inefficiently tying to get acquainted with. And the sadness continued, as I rode the Metro to this school, and fit in more than ever with my morose parisian stare. As I wandered around Paris full of cafeteria-fish, sitting in the Champ de Mars and looking at the Eiffel tower glitter in surprising sunlight, I wished to be home looking at my brother playing Led Zeppelin and my mom yelling at him to go to his room or turn it down please. As I awkwardly walk into any museum I kind of really really want the fluorescent comfort of a Wal-Mart. This longing for familiarity is so weird.

But through this, I am learning. I think I am experiencing what some (aka the internet when I googled "symptoms of homesickness" as if I couldn't just decide for myself) may call solitude. Which is basically just loneliness, but like constructive loneliness. Like you're alone, but it's okay, because you always have yourself to keep yourself company. It's like the adult version of when you put a baby to sleep and it starts crying and you just shut the door. Sometimes I like my company and sometimes I don't, but I'm learning to self soothe. When I don't I just listen to Beyoncé. Beyoncé is like peanut butter: good almost all the time, really good with chocolate. Or I go for a run. Really, Elle Woods' assessment about exercise and endorphins and being happy and not killing your husband is so true. After a good sweat, I never fill like killing my husband and I also stop thinking about how I miss drip coffee.

the elusive sun...confirmation
that it does still exist

Okay now, because I like to make lists and a blog is like a diary that I'm subjecting outsiders to so I get to make it how I want, here are some lists. YAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Things I miss:
My family
My friends
dogs with owners who let you pet them
eating a gluttonous brunch at the C.I. with my wonderful roommate
customer service
huge mugs of coffee with half and half and sugar
Southern California–the beach, the sun, people who smile, saying it's "freezing" whenever it's below 70, TACOS, HORCHATA!!!!
knowing what's happening in a class
knowing what's happening everywhere actually

Ain't no Wal-Mart but it sure is pretty

New things I like:
not knowing what's happening and learning not to care
this goat cheese with a rind like brie om nom nom it's so good
good public transportation
running in Parc de Buttes Chaumont and along the canal
crêpes, of course
the hospitality of my host family
eating Nutella every day
wine that's cheaper than water
new friends
this opportunity